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12 Feb

He felt, he told me later, a combination of anger, sadness, and confusion.

Seeing that toddler trussed up and in pain confirmed something he’d long suspected but now had to acknowledge.

The first time we spoke at length about his attractions, we were sitting in his old, beat-up car, in the lot of a park near the house he shares with his parents and two older brothers. Outside the car, locals chatted among themselves while herding frisky Labradors and Weimaraners into the backs of jeeps; two kids roughhoused in the dirt next to us until their father asked them to stop.

Talking about his pedophilic urges, Adam refused to look me in the eye, though he often stole glances when he thought I wasn’t looking.

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“I was just so horrified at what I saw.”I asked him what happened in the days and weeks after he’d watched the video, and he admitted he didn’t stop downloading child porn straight away.

A man’s torso entered the frame and the child began to scream.

As he watched the scene unfold, Adam was transfixed, and then quickly revolted; he reached over and stopped the video.

“I see an innocence in children that would be violated,” he said.

It is why the video of the toddler, out of everything he’d seen, rattled him.